I Screamed

I had to scream because you came at me again and I knew if I didn't start screaming you would hurt me like you did last time. I thought I left all of this behind when I moved out and away from the twisted life I lived before, but did I really get away from it totally? That is the real question I ask over and over again because some days are perfect, and uneventful, and bliss. But then there are days like today where you hurt me, or almost hurt me, or hurt me a little and I have to wonder did I get away. Because this freedom, it doesn't feel free at all.

I am constantly stuck there

Constantly stuck in that place where you are feeling everything but your words vacate your body, they jump ship before they could even make an appearance out of the depths of your vocal cords. there is no connects here. your brain, fingers, tendons, blood vessels, tissues, muscles, tongue, nervous system is all working against each other to help operate you. what mutiny that is. I  am constantly stuck here in this category I seem to always fall into. i am sinking here and my body's just letting me drown. it's no big deal.

I was born thirsty....

and the day I'm not thirsty anymore,  is the day that I'll die.

I thought I died last night...

I just wanted to sit for a minute, I always push myself to hard. I'd been sick for days now and I just needed to sit for a minute. Everything stopped. It was quiet. That was at 7 in the evening. My mind was groggy when I started to realize I was me again. Slowly I opened eye after eye questioning where I was. I could hear men talking muffled voices behind my closed eyelids, but when I opened my eyes I realized they were in my buildings hall way my door muffling them but their voices more dominant more understandable. Talking nonsense maybe drugies, or dealers, or that boy who isn't all there in his head but they were outside my door and I was startled but alive. I looked at the clock it was just about 11 at night.

I was pulled out of myself again by the sound of my alarm going off I thought it would say 6:30 in the morning but it said 8:30; and I was taken back. My dog was around my face and licking me, I guess she thought I was dead. But I couldn't recall ever moving myself to the bedroom. It took me what felt like ages to move but it was really just seconds until I moved my body that felt foreign to the shower spewing scalding hot water. I just wanted to feel like I was me. I slept for 14 and 1/2 hours, I just wanted to rest for a moment. I usually only sleep for an hour a day. Now I won't sleep for like three weeks. I thought I died last night, but I didn't I only felt dead; disconnected, dissociated, depersonalization. I only wish I had.

I never understood people who glorify cheesy quotes

Everyone always talks about that stupid quote, you know the one about life isn't about the breaths that you take but the moments that take your breath away. That's a joke. I can think of more negative moments in life that literally have taken my breath away then positive.

the first kind of moment that takes your breath away usually involves you getting slammed hard into something that causes you so much pain your breath gets knocked out of you and you can't take any in at the same time.

the next moment is one that gets me every time. The moment when you are so distraught you go to cry and your face twists and distorts and you sob and sob and sob but the noise takes what feels like hours and years to come out, but it's literally only seconds maybe minutes because you let out those horrid horrid squeals that are choppy and shaking.

the last moment is a funny place between a cry and a laugh. The place where you have given up so much that you put all of your trust into a laugh about something that may or not even be funny but you are at that point where if you don't laugh you feel as if you just might die and again your face twists and distorts and you flush shades of red and your voice will not come at all and the only sounds that do escape you crack out of your mouth in short ear splitting shrieks while you grow louder and louder till you recover.

Dying Inside

I am dead; I am so dead. I am so dead people think that I am alive.

Can't Fake It Hard Enough

I figured out what my problem is. It's quiet simple actually you see. At first I cared to much. I got so hurt all the time. Let down after let down, my hopes trampled everything shattered. That really changes a person. Now I find my problem is I don't care enough anymore. Nothing really strikes a response in me. I am so blasé about everything I try to show my excitement but it comes out in the same useless expression of nothing. I don't know how to fake it hard enough to for people to believe I  love their efforts. I think I come off as ungrateful but if only you know, if only you knew just how grateful I really am.

"Give Me Something... Please"

Most of the time I have so much to say I could fill entire contents and seas with my words; but what I actually say and what I want to say are two different things. I find that most of the time I hold entire conversations in my head and play things out that in fact aren't really happening that way. It's not like I'm delusional or anything it's more I just have come to prefer having my human interaction this way. I see people all the time that I think we could just be such good friends if they give me the time of day. I don't exactly belong to anyone these days and my friendships have dwindled down to well none. Over all of these years and trying times no one has stuck by my side to pull me through this mess of a life I've lead. When I look back it's only ever been just me. I don't blame anyone for not sticking through my train wreak I just want some one to give me something, anything.  Maybe one day I'll write my story out, I've told it many times but now it feels like so much time has passed that it's not even important anymore, too much has already happened to explain; it's no use anymore. I just need something to spark the hole where my organs should be.

They Say I live In My Head

Sometimes I am so quiet that I forget I'm even real. I sit so quietly, I enjoy things quietly. I can come and go and it's like I was never even really there to begin with. My human contact and interaction is a joke most of the time when I say things, no one answers me; and I have to question myself 'did I even actually say something or was it my imagination'. That's the funny thing about speaking the words leave you so quickly and the silence comes just as fast and it makes you wonder did you actually say something or did it get lost int the negative space. I guess I like being quiet it gives me time to take everything in, I mean really take things in. I absorb every little detail down to the stupid things no one should notice, I don't think they should be forgotten. It is chaos in my head, they say I tend to live there,  but I wouldn't have it any other way. I am so close to everything and nothing at the same time. I am suck in a loop that I honestly can't say I want to get out of.

Oh It's Better Than Nothing....

Today was freezing, literally. It was negative degrees out. I sat outside tonight in the cold, I wanted to feel the deep numbing ache. My chest got hard and sore, my fingers throbbed but I didn't dare put my gloves on. I left my ears exposed as well. The pain was breath taking and eye opening, I haven't felt so much in years. Sometimes I forget what it's like to feel like that, a feeling I use to feel all the time. Now I'm lucky if I feel something at all. But I'm inside now and I don't even feel numb, I am emptier than being empty, if there was a word to describe what more than nothing could feel like; I'd use it. Thats a word that will never come, a feeling contradicting to being able to feel. This is a category I fall into often nothing and everything at the same time. Oh it's better than nothing.

"And Then She Cried"

Sometimes I find it kind of funny how my brain resets it self. When it starts to get overloaded and stressed out my brain sort of shuts down and when it restarts it's always at the same point. "and then she cried" then my brain starts working again. I don't know why I always go there, but I always end up there.